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shane — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:31:30 +0000

Crisis Shmisis

shane — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 03:39:46 +0000

I’m tired of hearing the word “crisis” all the time. I would be happy if I never heard that word again. In fact, I’d go as far as saying I’d rather die than hear the word “crisis” again. I think I’d even go a little farther and say that if any of you ever say the word “crisis” in front of me, I’ll stop being your friend. Forever.

The current economic problems that are happening right now have become the ultimate excuse and the ultimate ploy. All at once. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth every time I see a commercial that uses the current “crisis” to encourage you to pay for something you probably don’t need. Mostly because EVERY commercial is playing this same game.

For example, I turned on the TV the other day to see the CEO of Dominos getting into some crappy Geo Metro while saying “Our nation’s in crisis. So I’m gonna give you a bailout now!” He then proceeds to deliver pizzas for $5 and say the word “crisis” about twenty more times. Now I’m never a man to turn down cheap pizza, but seriously. Who do you think you’re kidding Mr. CEO?

I even see commercials for other television shows that use the “crisis” as a ploy to get you to watch it. “Our nation’s in crisis. Watch Desperate Housewives, Tuesdays at 10.” I mean what the CRAP? Everybody’s jumped on this bandwagon by now, and it’s meaningless to me anymore.

People who don’t have something to sell can still leverage the “crisis” to their advantage. Customers, for example, are always trying to wheedle me into lowering prices for my web design services by referencing the “crisis.” Nice try, but this isn’t Dominos. I haven’t got any margin to play with, and I don’t even own a car – not even a Geo Metro – so tough rocks, buddy. School children are consistently telling their teachers the economic “crisis” is to blame for their incomplete homework, and criminals are getting away clean because they’ve learned to drop their own little “crisis” sob story on the cops.

“No, officer, I didn’t mean to steal this car. The global economic crisis made me do it. You have a family, don’t you, officer?”

“Ah yes, things are tough on everyone. Well, I’ll just have to let you go with a warning, ok?”

Well… all this talk of “crisis” is starting to make me ill, and I have something to say to everyone: There is no “crisis.” You want to know what a real crisis is? Zombies. Eating Wall Street. That’s a crisis. $5 pizza and get out of homework free cards is not a crisis – it’s a jackpot. And as dumb as people are, they won’t be too dumb for long, and some of these awesome perks will be going away quickly. My advice? Buy up some property while it’s cheap, stock up on Dominos hot n steamies, and buckle down for when the zombies come (aka the real crisis). Or at least just shut up and start talking about something else for a change!

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Zombie Beavers & Evil Cookie Dough

shane — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:18:55 +0000

Halloween is in the air, you could say. Well, I suppose Halloween isn’t actually IN the air, but that’s only because Halloween has no corporeal form in which it could actually exist in the air. But if Halloween were to exist in a physical state rather than in concept alone, it would definitely be in the air. Ready to swoop down and prey on everyone and writing cryptic messages like “The end is near” in the sky. But I digress.

In the spirit of Halloween, we decided to start decorating, especially since none of our neighbors appear to be planning on celebrating this, the most awesome holiday in the universe. Apparently, however, all of the Halloween decoration manufacturers are stupid and have decided that lame is the new scary. Who want’s a friendly Frankenstien with one tooth and kind, grandfatherly eyebrows? Or a happy-go-lucky witch that brews Kool-aid in her kettle? Not me.

So we decided to release our own line of Halloween decorations. People need to recognize that Awesomely Terrifying is the new Scary. No more of this sissy lame ghosts with lollipops crap! The following are a few of the sweet and terrifying decorations that have graced our apartment and will soon hit store shelves in Walmarts across the suburban world:

the zombie beaver

big momma spider and terrifying spider babies

werewolf light switch guardian

man-eating robot

And there will be several more to come!

Oh, and if you’re wondering what the evil cookie dough is about… Kristen tried to make a batch of cookies the other day and the dough turned out really nasty and hard and ended up looking like this:

Kristen was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.

Happy Awesomest Holiday in the World. If you’d like to order sweet, terrifying decorations, please send a check or money order for $500 to me. We will make you custom, terrifying, construction paper cutouts that will scare the crap out of your neighbors.

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