When to trust a toilet
By Jason Grover

We’ve all been in this situation at one time or another. Urgently needing to use the bathroom; Staring down at a toilet and wondering “who’s naked butt am I sharing this toilet seat with?”

When deciding to use public restrooms one can usually construct a “seal of safety,” by this I mean a barrier between your butt and the seat comprised out of strips of toilet paper. Whereas this is good and well for most public restroom situations there are certain times when the distinction between public and personal restroom becomes blurred. This is when the “seal of safety” technique is questionable.

Two major examples are a friend’s bathroom and your bathroom at work. You can’t personally vouch for the cleanliness of either seat. What about Edward, that greasy co-worker who sweats profusely? Do you want to be sharing butt-space with him? However I argue that in spite of your reservations, you must trust the seat of your workplace and friend’s house.

My first consideration is time. Let’s say you poop at work once every other day. If the construction of a barrier takes a minute and a half, then in ten years time you’ve spent over one work week laying down toilet paper. That’s a lot of lost productivity. But this is minor compared to the consideration of trust.

In the end it comes down to trust and comfort. At either your workplace or your friends’ home, you need to be comfortable. You need to be able to feel at home. As long as you are constructing barriers in the place where you should be able to relax the most, you will never truly feel at home. If you are guarding yourself when you are at your most vulnerable, ie pushing out a turd, you can’t truly open up to collaboration with that person or employer. There is an old Bedouin saying that goes something like this, “if your skin touches mine in a friendly embrace, let your cheeks touch the seat when you stay at my place;” the gist being that if you are intimately acquainted enough with someone to give them a friendly hug you should let your guard down and trust their john. There is a sense of calm and surrender when you take a sit on the seat at your work. A zen in the can if you will.

Though it takes courage I hope, my friends, that you will take the proverbial plunge if you will and come skin-to-skin with your toilet trust issues.

Share on Facebook