Know who I’m talking about now? Well the other day I heard him announce (and I’m not kidding): “Watch the all-new episode of the series that critics are calling The Best New Comedy-Drama Series on Cable In 2009.”

Sounds pretty impressive, huh? Except that there have only been 35 days in 2009 so far. Kind of a small window to make it into. And I’m pretty sure there aren’t that many Comedy-Drama series on cable anyway, much less new ones every month.

Well, any hype sounds good when said in a really manly, deep voice. Which is the voice I want you to read this next headline in:

The 5 Most Exciting Events to Occur In the Life of a 24-year-old Web Designer Who Is Home All Day At His Desk in Honolulu in 2009

# 5. Astronomers discover planets in other solar systems.
What this means for you: Soon you will be able to pre-purchase real estate on one of these lovely spheres. In a down economy, investing in low-priced real estate can be a smart move in anticipation for some big returns down the road.

# 4. Scientists unearth a woolly mammoth and subsequently decide to clone him using Jurassic-Park-like DNA techniques.
What this means for you: Well for me it means I will soon be owning more than one pet with tusks. Could mean the same for you if you’re also the proud owner of a talking Walrus.

# 3. An awesome volcano totally erupts in Japan.
What this means for you: If you live in Japan, you may want to wear a mask until the ash concentration in the air dissipates. Otherwise, you just have a great conversation starter anytime there’s one of those awkward silent moments at a party.

# 2. More scientists unearth the largest snake fossil ever, a beast that measured over 40 feet and weighed over 2,500 lbs!
What this means for you: If you are afraid of snakes, this will give you comfort in knowing that snakes now are big sissies compared to how they used to be. Think of that the next time you happen upon one of these little rattlers while hiking.

And finally,

# 1. A recently cloned woolly mammoth breaks loose from the zoo and fights against a giant (also recently cloned) anaconda in Tokyo while lava from a nearby volcano cuts off any path of escape for the unfortunate townsfolk! Nerds everywhere watch the events unfold via streaming video feed online.

What this means for you: At this rate, 2009 is going to be an awesome year.

As you can tell, it gets a little lonely working in your living room all day by yourself with no human contact. Hence the drawing.

*Note, 4 out of 5 of these were real news events.

Share on Facebook