In 2008, my new year’s wishlist included things like having a good attitude, good posture, not cracking my neck, and not eating fast food or hamburgers. To give you an idea of how well I did, I think there is video documentation of me cracking my neck and fingers simultaneously while sitting with poor posture, yelling angrily at kids on tricycles around January 19.

There. I popped my neck just now. [People with weak stomachs just stopped reading my blog forever].

I did, however, live up to my promise not to eat hamburgers, and I avoided fast food for the whole entire year. It actually wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I discovered that you really have to go out of your way to hit up McDonalds anyway, and chicken is always an alternative to hamburger. So is salad. And so are ice cream cones, in my case.

This year, I’m taking my wishlist a step further, and I am hereby announcing to the world that I have become… [pause for dramatic emphasis]… A Fishitarian!

Just what is a Fishitarian, you ask? Fishitarians are like Vegetarians, only different in several respects. Yes, being a Fishitarian means that you eat fish instead of other meats, such as beef, chicken, or nasty fatty pork draped in gross taro leaves (that I ate at a Hawaiian restaurant the other day). All those are out. But you still eat fish so you get your protein, etc, etc. Fish is more delicious anyway, and less disgusting to cook, not to mention better for you. Fishitarians still eat eggs and milk and other animal products like that, which is typical for Vegetarians as well. Fishitarians do not hate people who eat meat, nor do they get involved in animal rights arguments, bovine growth hormone debates, or skirmishes with the NRA. Fishitarians stay out of everything, because they are neutral, fish-eating pacifists by nature. They are kind of like Switzerland. No one has beef with them. No pun intended there… ok it was totally intended!

Here’s where Fishitarians and Vegetarians part ways: You know how some people are “social drinkers”? Well, Fishitarians are “social meat-eaters.” This means that if someone invites you over for dinner and they cooked you a steak, fried chicken, or yes, even nasty fatty pork draped in gross-as-all-get-out taro leaves, then you can eat it. In this way, Fishitarians are essentially very polite to their hosts and also very wussy in standing up for their dietary preferences. Fishitarians can take the easy way out of any situation. It’s their right as a Fishitarian. And as long as you go home and eat a half pound of spinach and play Dance Dance Revolution for about an hour afterward, your meat sins are purged from your Fishitarian soul, much like those candles you can buy to pay for your sins during Indulgence Week… or whatever. [There's another semi-blasphemous comment that St. Peter will be recording on his TalkBoy]

I am choosing the Fishitarian way because I am one of those people who knows he gives into peer pressure easily. Not when it comes to stuff like cheating in school or dropping E, both of which I am unflinchingly against. But when it comes to jumping into the neighbor’s swimming pool with all my clothes on because a lot of people are telling me to do it, or going to a concert instead of studying for the GRE, I have as much willpower as a pre-menstrual woman in a room full of chocolate bars.

So Fishitarianism makes it easy to eat that BBQ chicken wing at the block party and not feel guilty – as long as someone offers it to me and it would be awkward or offensive to refuse. If there are alternatives, you take them. But every Fishitarian knows when to say “no” and when to take one for the team.

Overall, I feel good about becoming a Fishitarian. I have been eating meat increasingly more sparingly this year, simply because I like fish better, and I hate cooking other meats. Also, another thing that tipped me over was when I became converted to Boca Burgers – the meatless hamburger patties that taste exactly the same as hamburger (only more delicious and they don’t make you feel like your stomach weighs 100 lbs afterward). Boca Burgers are awesome:

What’s more, Boca Burgers have only about 10% less protein than beef hamburgers, and hamburgers have 39 times more fat than Boca Burgers. 39 TIMES MORE FAT, suckers! Being a fishitarian rocks already.

Some will say that I have sold my soul to Al Gore and all the hippie tree loving “liberals” and am simultaneously a walking advertisement for Boca “meatless” Burgers and corporate America/capitalism/deforestation/Enron. I will stave off the arguments and say you are correct on all counts. But you can save yourself some time by summing all that up in one word: Fishitarian.

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