Happy Halloween!

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Halloween used to be for everyone. Now, apparently, Halloween has decided it’s only going to be for skanks and small children.

Last week, I got an email from Hawaii Pacific (which still sends me emails even though I am not a student), that read, “We’re having an illin’ Halloween Bash for all the University students. There will be free pizza, free candy, competitions, and more! You’re a loser if you don’t go.” Naturally, Kristen and I decked ourselves out and caught the bus to the party, determined not to miss: 1) An illin’ Halloween party, and 2) Free pizza.

When we arrived at the party, we were confronted by about 1,000 elementary school kids and 3,000 skanks. Now I know there aren’t that many students with 10 year old kids, so somehow the news of free pizza must have leaked, which was unfortunate. And I don’t know where the skanks came from.

People used to dress up as exciting things like mummies and people with axes sticking out of their faces. At the HPU Halloween Bash, however, I couldn’t identify a single scary costume. Well, I guess that depends on how you define scary. A lot of people were dressed weird, though, so I performed an unofficial survey:

Survey #1:

Me: “What are you supposed to be?”

Girl: “I’m a skanky girl.”

Me: “Oh. For Halloween?”

Girl: “Yeah!”

Me: “Um… right on…”

Survey #2:

Me: “What are you supposed to be?”

Girl: “I’m a girl in a bra and ripped up fishnets.”

Me: “How is that a costume?”

Girl: “Well, what are you supposed to be? A stupid mad scientist or something? Screw you!”

Survey #3:

Me: “What are you suppoed to be?”

Half naked girl with one sock: “I’m a dead stripper.”

Me: [throwing up]

Even dudes seem to have lost the true spirit of halloween:

Survey #4:

Me: “What are you supposed to be?”

Dude with no shirt: “I’m a male dancer. See? I have no shirt and I’ve got ripped up jeans.”

Me: “That’s sick man.”

Halloween is NOT an excuse to take your clothes off! Or to put holes in them. The only thing it’s an excuse for is begging for free candy. Even if you’re way too old for it. But that’s it!

And what happened to the candy generosity and decorations? I haven’t seen a single jack-o-lantern or “Beware of Zombies” on a single house. No spiderwebs, no fake blood, no tombstones, no severed limbs, no creepy laughing grim reaper robots on porches, no vampires, no werewolves, and no candy. Oh, and also no FUN.

So Halloween has officially let me down. I will hang my head in shame and hum that song that plays when Charlie Brown is depressed while walking slowly through my apartment building. Maybe someone will recognize the reference to Arrested Development and laugh and give me candy. But they definitely won’t be giving me candy cuz it’s Halloween.

Oh yeah, and all the TV channels have let me down, too. Granted, I don’t have cable, but you’d think there would be at least one scary movie on ofor Halloween.

Again, I guess it depends on your definition of scary, but seriously.  There’s an Oprah MARATHON going on on Channel 5. What the crap?!

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In the spirit of Halloween, we decided to start decorating, especially since none of our neighbors appear to be planning on celebrating this, the most awesome holiday in the universe. Apparently, however, all of the Halloween decoration manufacturers are stupid and have decided that lame is the new scary. Who want’s a friendly Frankenstien with one tooth and kind, grandfatherly eyebrows? Or a happy-go-lucky witch that brews Kool-aid in her kettle? Not me.

So we decided to release our own line of Halloween decorations. People need to recognize that Awesomely Terrifying is the new Scary. No more of this sissy lame ghosts with lollipops crap! The following are a few of the sweet and terrifying decorations that have graced our apartment and will soon hit store shelves in Walmarts across the suburban world:

the zombie beaver

big momma spider and terrifying spider babies

werewolf light switch guardian

man-eating robot

And there will be several more to come!

Oh, and if you’re wondering what the evil cookie dough is about… Kristen tried to make a batch of cookies the other day and the dough turned out really nasty and hard and ended up looking like this:

Kristen was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.

Happy Awesomest Holiday in the World. If you’d like to order sweet, terrifying decorations, please send a check or money order for $500 to me. We will make you custom, terrifying, construction paper cutouts that will scare the crap out of your neighbors.

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