Once we got moved in, I ordered Internet from the cable company, who informed me that a technician would be swinging by in “1 to 23 years, probably on a Wednesday.” This sounds to me like a sure way to ruin every Wednesday for the rest of my life… you know… getting my hopes up and stuff. After hanging up, I discovered that one of my neighbors didn’t bother to secure his wireless router, so now I have free Internet, allowing me to shamelessly give the cable company technician the finger one of these Wednesdays…

So I thought, “Free Internet, huh? What else could I get for free?” Well, there’s rich people putting couches and TV sets and small pets out on the corner for either the garbage man or Shane Snow to pick up all over the place. Naturally, I’ve been on the lookout for good finds ever since.

I also went on a craigslist binge and scored a 32″ TV for $50, and then I turned around bought a $10 antenna from WalMart so I can get free Conan O’Brien and other great programming on the local channels (such as FRINGE, the new series by Lost and Alias creator, J.J. Abrams). Needless to say, I was pretty proud of myself. Screw you cable. And satellite.

Until I realized that antenna TV is crap. All of it. The only channel I could pick up was PBS, and after the Republican National Convention of preposterous promises and ostentatious off-shore oil drilling was over, there was only Dave the painter guy and Sesame Street to watch. Oscar is such a grouch…

Unwilling to be defeated, I took the cheap antenna back to WalMart and bought the effing-antenna-of-justice… which proceeded to pick up PBS and a fuzzy black-and-white version of channel 4. I promptly returned the second antenna to WalMart and tipped over a display rack for good measure.

Then I bought the SUPER-ULTRA-MEGA-PEE-YOUR-PANTS-WITH-DELIGHT-AND-ANTENNA-EFFING-JOY antenna from Walmart (throwing my cheap-ness out the window for $68)… which proceeded to only pick up a fuzzy black-and-white version of channel 5 and not PBS.

What the F?

When I say “What the F” I mean that in a totally wholesome way. As in “What the Floral Designer” or “What the Flamenco Dancer” or “What the Frankie Muniz made another sucky movie?”… But definitely not “What the F” as in F. You know…. F….

So naturally I took the third antenna and flung it into Sam Walton’s headstone, breaking it in half. And then I returned it to the store and demanded a refund. After which I set all the hamsters and turtles in the pet department free.

At this point, there’s no way I’m going to pay for TV. Not a chance. I think my next option is going to be sneaking into my neighbor’s house and hooking a splitter up to his cable TV cable, boring a hole in the wall and hooking it up to my Craigslist TV.

Actually that would be illegal, so I’ll probably try another antenna. Maybe I’ll find a good on in some rich person’s garbage.

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