We’ve taken you across the far reaches of space – to the most obscure corners of the galaxy – in order to  get you up close and personal with some of the universe’s most interesting creatures. And tonight we’re going to be taking an in-depth look at some our our alien neighbors just a solar system over – on a planet called Earth. They call themselves “humans,” and they’re the most feared predator on their planet since the dinosaur, which you may remember from one of our episodes last season.

They’re funny looking. And smelly. And when we come back, we’re going to take an inside look at them! You don’t want to miss this! So don’t go anywhere, because Alien Planet will be right back!

So, aliens probably don’t have a show called Alien Planet. But if they did, I am totally imagining it something like this. As I sat at my desk all day I decided (in a most un-philosophical way), that people are ridiculous.

We really are.

Which is cool. You know? Whatever. But if I were an alien television producer, here are a few things I would probably say about mankind:

• Humans typically live in large groups, often in large common habitats. However, most of them hate each other.
• Humans are afraid of 7/10 of their planet, which is covered in a life-sustaining substance called “water.” They both depend on it to survive, and are threatened by its apparent overall rise in the near future. They have yet to even explore a fraction of its watery surface below a few feet.
• Humans love to eat, and they do so for the thrill of it, not just for survival. Humans have the capacity to eat up to five Big Macs in one sitting! Marvelous!
• Humans do not generally move much. They can sit idly for up to 8 hours, before eventually moving to their evening environment.
• Humans typically mate young. The reason appears to be because male humans become bald quite quickly, and their chances of finding a mate decrease with baldness. Very interesing indeed!
• The human’s primary method of communication involves the use of devices upon which the humans craft messages with their thumbs, which are then transmitted to other humans. Occasionally, humans communicate using Facebook as well. Those humans without thumbs and without Facebook are cast into facilities called High Schools, where they are forced to play “dodge ball” and wear silly outfits to expensive dances together.

Yes, yes. Those types of things are what they are probably saying right now.

So yeah, people are ridiculous. But what can we do, right? Well I am going to propose 3 things that we can all do to make the alien biographers scratch their heads, while making our lives (or at least my sedentary desk life) a little more interesting:

1. Go for a jog, bike ride, or walk every day.
2. Explore the depths of the ocean.
3. Call a friend on the phone and talk to them. Better yet – visit them in person if you can.

My friend, Jacob, called me up the other day instead of Facebooking me when he saw I was online. It was nice. So I decided to call a couple of friends I hadn’t talked to, also. (You didn’t answer! But I will try again!)

So on that note, when you read this you should call someone you haven’t talked to in a while and let them know you care about them. I dare you! If you don’t, aliens will abduct you and subject you to written tests twice as long as the ACT, using dull #2 pencils and no erasors!

Have a great week!

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Know who I’m talking about now? Well the other day I heard him announce (and I’m not kidding): “Watch the all-new episode of the series that critics are calling The Best New Comedy-Drama Series on Cable In 2009.”

Sounds pretty impressive, huh? Except that there have only been 35 days in 2009 so far. Kind of a small window to make it into. And I’m pretty sure there aren’t that many Comedy-Drama series on cable anyway, much less new ones every month.

Well, any hype sounds good when said in a really manly, deep voice. Which is the voice I want you to read this next headline in:

The 5 Most Exciting Events to Occur In the Life of a 24-year-old Web Designer Who Is Home All Day At His Desk in Honolulu in 2009

# 5. Astronomers discover planets in other solar systems.
What this means for you: Soon you will be able to pre-purchase real estate on one of these lovely spheres. In a down economy, investing in low-priced real estate can be a smart move in anticipation for some big returns down the road.

# 4. Scientists unearth a woolly mammoth and subsequently decide to clone him using Jurassic-Park-like DNA techniques.
What this means for you: Well for me it means I will soon be owning more than one pet with tusks. Could mean the same for you if you’re also the proud owner of a talking Walrus.

# 3. An awesome volcano totally erupts in Japan.
What this means for you: If you live in Japan, you may want to wear a mask until the ash concentration in the air dissipates. Otherwise, you just have a great conversation starter anytime there’s one of those awkward silent moments at a party.

# 2. More scientists unearth the largest snake fossil ever, a beast that measured over 40 feet and weighed over 2,500 lbs!
What this means for you: If you are afraid of snakes, this will give you comfort in knowing that snakes now are big sissies compared to how they used to be. Think of that the next time you happen upon one of these little rattlers while hiking.

And finally,

# 1. A recently cloned woolly mammoth breaks loose from the zoo and fights against a giant (also recently cloned) anaconda in Tokyo while lava from a nearby volcano cuts off any path of escape for the unfortunate townsfolk! Nerds everywhere watch the events unfold via streaming video feed online.

What this means for you: At this rate, 2009 is going to be an awesome year.

As you can tell, it gets a little lonely working in your living room all day by yourself with no human contact. Hence the drawing.

*Note, 4 out of 5 of these were real news events.

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In related new, my UFO site is also up-and-coming. It’s got more content now, and hopefully more will be added. If you are bored, please check it out and leave as many votes and comments as you can, and if you really have a minute, sign up and contribute your theory about aliens/ufos on there! It’s pretty funny some of the stuff people have put up! The site got featured in several news websites, like this one, and so now there are a lot of people coming to it! Pretty awesome, huh? Oh, and if anyone wants a free bumper sticker, give me your address and I’ll send you one as a token of my love. They cost like $6 on the site (and yes, people are buying them!), but I ordered like 500 apiece of a couple of them, so I have a lot of extras.

I’ve got a couple of other projects that are about to drop any time now. I’ll let y’all know!

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