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But then, Krang’s not the kind of guy who messes around with anything.

Though his motives were foggy, it’s clear that no other device could serve Krang’s astronomically evil purposes better than the hulking monstrosity known as the Technodrome.

He stole it from Drakus on Dimension X and warped it away using its built-in Super Portal, one of the machine’s various transportation methods. (The Technodrome is capable of traveling by land, sea, subterra, and outer space, given a properly functioning engine.).

Sadly, Earth’s pathetic technology wasn’t up to snuff with the futuretech of Dimension X, so Krang ended up spending most of his free time trying to repair the Technodrome, rather than usingit to rule the world (once those irritatingly self-righteous turtles were out of the way, of course). Little did New York City know that beneath its bedrock lurked a machine of unimaginable awesomeness. Like many inventions that arrived before their time, the T-drome would not ever achieve mainstream popularity simply because the world was not ready for it.

That unfortunate fact aside, Drakus’s mechanical monster was home to an impressive lineup of goodies. BlackBerry, Microsoft, Lexus, and Tesla can’t hold a candle to Krang’s deviously appropriated  ultragadget, though many such companies have undoubtedly tried to craft a piece of technology as extraordinary and versatile. However, recent advances indicate that a craft with comparable capabilities may only be a few years off.

The Technodrome boasts an array of bells and whistles beyond its classy chassis. Click here to see my Scordit blogazine post on all the goodies Krang’s megagadget sported.

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Krang is brilliant and crazy. Both traits of a typical genius. Throw “sinister” into the mix and you get evil genius, a foe who’s so cunning that only its own lunacy can stop it.

If you watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cartoons on Saturday mornings (as every child born between 81 and 88 should have), you’re aware of Krang’s mysterious back story. Ruler of Dimension X, came to Earth with his technodrome (which lost its record as the world’s largest gadget when the Large Hadron Collider was built), decided to destroy said Earth with his new friend, Shredder, for ambiguous reasons, etc.

Krang’s cryptic history gives rise to a myriad of questions. Why hate humanity so bad? Why is the Technodrome always breaking down? Why build yourself a bald robo-suit wearing just underwear and metal shoulder pads?

I hope to address some of these issues in future posts. At the start of my quest for a more complete understanding of Krang, however, I decided to go to the source: Krang himself. So, I recently caught up with Pat Fraley, the voice of the original Krang. Here’s what he had to say about the universe’s evil genius enchilada:

Pat Fraley was the voice of Krang for 136 TMNT episodes from 1987-1996.

Tvsky: You did voice work for Ninja Turtles cartoons for several years. Which characters did you do, and which was your favorite?
PF: Off the top of my head, I voiced Krang, Burne Thompson, Casey Jones, and various smaller roles like Baxter Stockman, Ray Filet, and Slash. I think Krang was my favorite. I was given a huge latitude in the performance, and early on, with ad-libbing dialogue, which helped set the character. After a season or so, the writers picked up on Krang’s way of relating to Shedder, and that was a joy.

Tvsky: Krang was a particularly enigmatic villain. Can you shed some light on what it’s like being a limbless brain?
PF: He was a loser, and he knew it. Krang’s anger was always bubbling under all he did. The comedic aspect to Krang came from playing him like a long-suffering Jewish mother.

Tvsky: 10-15 years after the cartoon series ended, where do you think Krang would be now? Still trying to fix the Technodrome? Still chilling with Shredder?
PF: I can’t imagine Krang being any different, but then again, I’m not a writer. In a way, he’s kind of like Daffy Duck:  After 70 years, the duck is still arrogant, vain, prideful, and trying to get his way.

Tvsky: Technology has advanced a lot since the early 90s, and Krang undoubtedly would be due for a suit upgrade. What technology and features do you think he would opt for nowadays?
PF: He’d probably be up to the point where his android body would have a Mylar headband.

Tvsky: What’s a typical day like for the universe’s most evil brain? For example, what does Krang eat? Is he hip to things like Facebook and Twitter?
PF: There is no existence for Krang other than what we have seen. It’s kind of like wondering if The Lone Ranger ever went to the bathroom when the commercials were playing. I don’t think so. Beyond his reality.

Tvsky: If Krang were to be invited onto a reality television show, which do you think he’d prefer to appear on?
PF: Definitely some kind of anger-issue loser reality show. He’d be wearing a doo-rag, and talking about how much he enjoys the control he has now that we works out of his own home studio.

Tvsky: If there was one final thought the brain could leave with those of us who grew up with TMNT, what do you think it would be?
PF: (gurgle) Stoppp annoying me with yooour pathetic questionnnsss and leave mee allonne!! (slurp, gurgle, burb)

Check out some memorable Krang quotes along with Mr. Fraley’s voice skill in the following video!

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We’ve taken you across the far reaches of space – to the most obscure corners of the galaxy – in order to  get you up close and personal with some of the universe’s most interesting creatures. And tonight we’re going to be taking an in-depth look at some our our alien neighbors just a solar system over – on a planet called Earth. They call themselves “humans,” and they’re the most feared predator on their planet since the dinosaur, which you may remember from one of our episodes last season.

They’re funny looking. And smelly. And when we come back, we’re going to take an inside look at them! You don’t want to miss this! So don’t go anywhere, because Alien Planet will be right back!

So, aliens probably don’t have a show called Alien Planet. But if they did, I am totally imagining it something like this. As I sat at my desk all day I decided (in a most un-philosophical way), that people are ridiculous.

We really are.

Which is cool. You know? Whatever. But if I were an alien television producer, here are a few things I would probably say about mankind:

• Humans typically live in large groups, often in large common habitats. However, most of them hate each other.
• Humans are afraid of 7/10 of their planet, which is covered in a life-sustaining substance called “water.” They both depend on it to survive, and are threatened by its apparent overall rise in the near future. They have yet to even explore a fraction of its watery surface below a few feet.
• Humans love to eat, and they do so for the thrill of it, not just for survival. Humans have the capacity to eat up to five Big Macs in one sitting! Marvelous!
• Humans do not generally move much. They can sit idly for up to 8 hours, before eventually moving to their evening environment.
• Humans typically mate young. The reason appears to be because male humans become bald quite quickly, and their chances of finding a mate decrease with baldness. Very interesing indeed!
• The human’s primary method of communication involves the use of devices upon which the humans craft messages with their thumbs, which are then transmitted to other humans. Occasionally, humans communicate using Facebook as well. Those humans without thumbs and without Facebook are cast into facilities called High Schools, where they are forced to play “dodge ball” and wear silly outfits to expensive dances together.

Yes, yes. Those types of things are what they are probably saying right now.

So yeah, people are ridiculous. But what can we do, right? Well I am going to propose 3 things that we can all do to make the alien biographers scratch their heads, while making our lives (or at least my sedentary desk life) a little more interesting:

1. Go for a jog, bike ride, or walk every day.
2. Explore the depths of the ocean.
3. Call a friend on the phone and talk to them. Better yet – visit them in person if you can.

My friend, Jacob, called me up the other day instead of Facebooking me when he saw I was online. It was nice. So I decided to call a couple of friends I hadn’t talked to, also. (You didn’t answer! But I will try again!)

So on that note, when you read this you should call someone you haven’t talked to in a while and let them know you care about them. I dare you! If you don’t, aliens will abduct you and subject you to written tests twice as long as the ACT, using dull #2 pencils and no erasors!

Have a great week!

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Know who I’m talking about now? Well the other day I heard him announce (and I’m not kidding): “Watch the all-new episode of the series that critics are calling The Best New Comedy-Drama Series on Cable In 2009.”

Sounds pretty impressive, huh? Except that there have only been 35 days in 2009 so far. Kind of a small window to make it into. And I’m pretty sure there aren’t that many Comedy-Drama series on cable anyway, much less new ones every month.

Well, any hype sounds good when said in a really manly, deep voice. Which is the voice I want you to read this next headline in:

The 5 Most Exciting Events to Occur In the Life of a 24-year-old Web Designer Who Is Home All Day At His Desk in Honolulu in 2009

# 5. Astronomers discover planets in other solar systems.
What this means for you: Soon you will be able to pre-purchase real estate on one of these lovely spheres. In a down economy, investing in low-priced real estate can be a smart move in anticipation for some big returns down the road.

# 4. Scientists unearth a woolly mammoth and subsequently decide to clone him using Jurassic-Park-like DNA techniques.
What this means for you: Well for me it means I will soon be owning more than one pet with tusks. Could mean the same for you if you’re also the proud owner of a talking Walrus.

# 3. An awesome volcano totally erupts in Japan.
What this means for you: If you live in Japan, you may want to wear a mask until the ash concentration in the air dissipates. Otherwise, you just have a great conversation starter anytime there’s one of those awkward silent moments at a party.

# 2. More scientists unearth the largest snake fossil ever, a beast that measured over 40 feet and weighed over 2,500 lbs!
What this means for you: If you are afraid of snakes, this will give you comfort in knowing that snakes now are big sissies compared to how they used to be. Think of that the next time you happen upon one of these little rattlers while hiking.

And finally,

# 1. A recently cloned woolly mammoth breaks loose from the zoo and fights against a giant (also recently cloned) anaconda in Tokyo while lava from a nearby volcano cuts off any path of escape for the unfortunate townsfolk! Nerds everywhere watch the events unfold via streaming video feed online.

What this means for you: At this rate, 2009 is going to be an awesome year.

As you can tell, it gets a little lonely working in your living room all day by yourself with no human contact. Hence the drawing.

*Note, 4 out of 5 of these were real news events.

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(Click to enlarge if it looks funny on your screen)

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So Fringe is pretty awesome, but also somewhat laughable in a sweet sci-fi sort of way. And yes, Jacob, X-Files’s Agent Scully in a tank of water with electrodes probably would make the show ten times as awesome as Olivia Dunham in the same predicament. Oh well. Anyway, here’s part 1 of ….. FRINGE: THE COMIC!

(click to enlarge so the text doesn’t look funny)

To be continued…

Dun dun dun!

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