With so much fighting these days over this bill and that bill, what’s someone to do when they really want to make some headway with something important to them?

People have tried riots, but buses cost a lot of money; and like cows, they’re hard to upright once they’ve been flipped over. Similarly, most “peaceful” demonstrations are way overrated. Remember that health care rally the other week where people got together in big crowds and whined all day? Totally lame. Ask a random protester what they’re doing and tell me what they say is actually interesting: “I’m going to Walmart to buy a posterboard, write snarky word plays on the president’s name, and carry it around Washington DC.” Snore.

So should you do if  you decide you need to fight for an important cause? Here are four nonviolent solutions to getting your way with just about anything:

Solution 1: Hunger Strike

In a hunger strike, you basically just starve yourselves until you get your way. This works well if you’re trying to get the British to feel bad for you so you can have your country back. It also is effective on people like your mom, or anyone who is 1) easily guilt-tripped, and 2) caves quickly under pressure. En masse, it’s even more effective. Just be careful, because if they call your bluff, you’re likely to be pissed off and too weak to do anything about it.

Solution 2: Mustache Filibuster

Reserve this one for the more meaningful issues. Basically you get a large number of people to grow mustaches, refusing to shave them until negotiations are reached. Imagine if the Democrats in congress all grew Hulk Hogan handlebars? If you’re really serious about this one, get the women to take male hormones so they can grow their own, too!

Solution 3: Mass Music Marathon

You want to bring the government to its knees? How about blasting a barrage of High School Musical show tunes from every open car and building window in the city? That’ll get them negotiating.

Solution 4: Log and Leave

One time I had a roommate who was dating this horrible girl. She was manipulative and mean, with laser beam eyes and dreadful music tastes. We roommates decided something must be done, so we banded together and held a poop strike, also known as a log-and-leave. This is where you don’t ever flush the toilet until your adversary buckles to your petition. It’s hard to do after a while, because you suffer the effects as well, but it certainly gets the message across.

Go ahead, do Gandhi proud!

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