We’ve taken you across the far reaches of space – to the most obscure corners of the galaxy – in order to get you up close and personal with some of the universe’s most interesting creatures. And tonight we’re going to be taking an in-depth look at some our our alien neighbors just a solar system over – on a planet called Earth. They call themselves “humans,” and they’re the most feared predator on their planet since the dinosaur, which you may remember from one of our episodes last season.
They’re funny looking. And smelly. And when we come back, we’re going to take an inside look at them! You don’t want to miss this! So don’t go anywhere, because Alien Planet will be right back!
So, aliens probably don’t have a show called Alien Planet. But if they did, I am totally imagining it something like this. As I sat at my desk all day I decided (in a most un-philosophical way), that people are ridiculous.
We really are.
Which is cool. You know? Whatever. But if I were an alien television producer, here are a few things I would probably say about mankind:
- Humans typically live in large groups, often in large common habitats. However, most of them hate each other.
- Humans are afraid of 7/10 of their planet, which is covered in a life-sustaining substance called “water.” They both depend on it to survive, and are threatened by its apparent overall rise in the near future. They have yet to even explore a fraction of its watery surface below a few feet.
- Humans love to eat, and they do so for the thrill of it, not just for survival. Humans have the capacity to eat up to five Big Macs in one sitting! Marvelous!
- Humans do not generally move much. They can sit idly for up to 8 hours, before eventually moving to their evening environment.
- Humans typically mate young. The reason appears to be because male humans become bald quite quickly, and their chances of finding a mate decrease with baldness. Very interesing indeed!
- The human’s primary method of communication involves the use of devices upon which the humans craft messages with their thumbs, which are then transmitted to other humans. Occasionally, humans communicate using Facebook as well. Those humans without thumbs and without Facebook are cast into facilities called High Schools, where they are forced to play “dodge ball” and wear silly outfits to expensive dances together.
Yes, yes. Those types of things are what they are probably saying right now.
So yeah, people are ridiculous. But what can we do, right? Well I am going to propose 3 things that we can all do to make the alien biographers scratch their heads, while making our lives (or at least my sedentary desk life) a little more interesting:
- Go for a jog, bike ride, or walk every day.
- Explore the depths of the ocean.
- Call a friend on the phone and talk to them. Better yet – visit them in person if you can.
My friend, Jacob, called me up the other day instead of Facebooking me when he saw I was online. It was nice. So I decided to call a couple of friends I hadn’t talked to, also. (You didn’t answer! But I will try again!)
So on that note, when you read this you should call someone you haven’t talked to in a while and let them know you care about them. I dare you! If you don’t, aliens will abduct you and subject you to written tests twice as long as the ACT, using dull #2 pencils and no erasors!
Have a great week!
