Ahh Christmas. If you sniff hard enough you can smell it in the air. Unless you live in Honolulu or any other big city, because all you’ll smell is carbon monoxide. But you have a right to say it anyway because it’s Christmastime. I think I start a lot of my blog posts off by talking about what’s “in the air.” Maybe because I love the cliche of it.

Well, I’ve come to a troubling conclusion this year. I hate to break it to you all, but I’ve realized that Christmas isn’t really a time of selfless giving where people just wanna make you happy anymore. I’m not talking about friends or family members, of course, but I’m referring to how everyone says that Christmas makes people kinder to strangers and whatnot. I’m sorry, but it’s not happening.

Everyone I have observed doing a good deed, or singing a Christmas song, or sporting a Santa hat this year has wanted money. That’s right. People have realized that Christmas makes you stupider with money, and so they can get you to part with it by using – no! EXPLOITING – Christmas. Now, I believe in giving to the poor during the holidays and stuff, so Salvation Army, you’re cool. But you’ve got work to do, and I’ll be back to you later.

First example: I went to Walmart the other day. Before I could enter the store and be greeted by the guy with the broken foot who’s always pissed off but can’t be fired or he’ll sue for discrimination, I had to run through a gauntlet of 10 year old girls selling Christmas brownies. They were all decked out in Christmas attire, and begging for money. One would think this was for a noble cause, but no. It wasn’t. Behind the little girls were pissed-off slavedriver parents that belonged to a company that manufactured Christmas brownies and other treats. They were exploiting the little girls so they could exploit me for a dollar that I would assume would go to charity. You Christmas-stealing bastards.

Second example: I was walking through an outdoor mall here in Honolulu, and a crew of people were ringing bells and wearing Santa hats, also demanding money from passersby. Upon closer inspection, it turned out they were a local high school cheerleading squad. I’m sorry, I’m all about supporting school groups, but shouldn’t you be doing a car wash or something? If you think I’m going to give you free money just because it’s Christmas, think again. My Christmas charity coffers should be going to Tiny Tim or the homeless shelter, not to mini skirts and pom poms. I don’t see cheerleaders begging for free money during other times of the year. They always have to sell something or trick people into sponsoring them on some vague walk-a-thon or something that involves you giving them a dollar for every minute they do something like the splits or a handstand. But they can’t pull off the free crap like they can at Christmas. Oh no, you have to work for money in the real world, girls.

Christmas has been a most depressing spectacle to behold, indeed. People who aren’t poor. Asking for money. Barely attempting to act festive. You make me sick.

Back to the Salvation Army: the one Christmas begger that I haven’t felt exploited by yet, simply because the money they ask for goes to help people that need it, is the Salvation Army. However, if you’re going to win people’s spare change outside the grocery store, you have to be cheerful. No looking pissed off standing there ringing your bell once every time someone goes by. No muttering to yourself in a creepy fashion.

The best was the other day when I was outside of Safeway. The Salvation Army bell-ringer guy was making a valiant attempt to sing Jingle Bells, but he was absolutely butchering the words AND the melody. It was shocking to the point of humor. “Oh what fun it is to play a second song… in the air…. tonight…”

So the moral of all this is – I know I’m going to get exploited this Christmas, no matter what. But if you’re going to exploit people, make an extra effort so they will give their change to you and not to the cheerleaders. If you suck at singing, plug in a cd player and dance to it. I will give you lots of money.

Especially if you do the worm.

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