Halloween is in the air, you could say. Well, I suppose Halloween isn’t actually IN the air, but that’s only because Halloween has no corporeal form in which it could actually exist in the air. But if Halloween were to exist in a physical state rather than in concept alone, it would definitely be in the air. Ready to swoop down and prey on everyone and writing cryptic messages like “The end is near” in the sky. But I digress.

In the spirit of Halloween, we decided to start decorating, especially since none of our neighbors appear to be planning on celebrating this, the most awesome holiday in the universe. Apparently, however, all of the Halloween decoration manufacturers are stupid and have decided that lame is the new scary. Who want’s a friendly Frankenstien with one tooth and kind, grandfatherly eyebrows? Or a happy-go-lucky witch that brews Kool-aid in her kettle? Not me.

So we decided to release our own line of Halloween decorations. People need to recognize that Awesomely Terrifying is the new Scary. No more of this sissy lame ghosts with lollipops crap! The following are a few of the sweet and terrifying decorations that have graced our apartment and will soon hit store shelves in Walmarts across the suburban world:

the zombie beaver

big momma spider and terrifying spider babies

werewolf light switch guardian

man-eating robot

And there will be several more to come!

Oh, and if you’re wondering what the evil cookie dough is about… Kristen tried to make a batch of cookies the other day and the dough turned out really nasty and hard and ended up looking like this:

Kristen was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.

Happy Awesomest Holiday in the World. If you’d like to order sweet, terrifying decorations, please send a check or money order for $500 to me. We will make you custom, terrifying, construction paper cutouts that will scare the crap out of your neighbors.

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