When a newspaper prints something incorrect, it will often issue a retraction in the next issue in order to “rectify” the mistake. In the journalism world, retractions can undo any amount of damage.

For example, a newspaper prints the headline, “Mormons Set Fire To Town Hall,” and when it later turns out that the editor meant to write “Morons Set Fire To Town Hall,” the paper prints a statement in 6pt font sandwiched in between classified ads somewhere in the back of the next issue saying, “Last week we printed Mormons instead of Morons. It was a mistake.”

This is an incredibly effective way to absolve yourself of misstatements, and so I have decided to print a few retractions on things I may have said or written in the past.

One time I was on this date, and I said I had to go home so I could study. What I meant to say was I had to go home so I could play Starcraft. See the “st” in “study” and “starcraft?” Very easy slip-up to make.

One time I apparently said I liked to eat Japanese food, and since then I have been eating nothing but Japanese food now that I’m married to a half-Japanese woman. What I meant to say was “I like to never eat Japanese food again.” There was no formal place for me to issue that retraction, so I’m doing it now!

Once I told a girl she had birthing hips. What I meant to say was “You have beautiful bursting lips.” Again, an unfortunate printing error.

In the last blog post, Kristen wasn’t making cookies, and she didn’t decline to make a statement. The dough was some playdough mixture she was making that got all hard, and she hadn’t showered so she didn’t want a photo taken when I was getting pics of our sweet decorations.

I will surely have more retractions to post soon.

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