So I was on one of those health questionswebsites today because Kristen signed up for a sweepstakes or something and now needed help removing her account before the collection agency came for her. One of the ads on the right side of the page was for “Instant Online Depression Assessment.” Naturally, I clicked on it. Everyone wants to know if they’re depressed. Well… everyone except depressed people.

I can joke about this because I’ve experienced real depression first hand with a couple of people I’m extremely close to, and I totally understand how real of a disease it is. I’m the depressed person’s ultimate advocate. Any time some person in some class starts to say “I think depression is all in people’s head. You can be happy if you want to,” I get up out of my desk and punch Mr. Depression know-it-all in the balls and tell him he can be happy about it if he wants to. I know what depression is and that it’s real.

So I took the quiz, and my “Instant Online Assessment Results” said I “may suffer from clinical depression or I may just have some of the symptoms of depression.” What? So either I’m depressed or I’m not. Can you be more vague than “you may have depression or its symptoms or you may not”? What are you, a horoscope? Not to mention some of the questions were totally crappy: “Have you ever thought of suicide: A Lot, Sometimes, Once in a while?” Is there no box for “Never”?

So, I decided to replicate the test I just took, and now y’all can find out if you’re depressed, based on the same criteria with which I was tested. Feel free to take this test yourself and find out if you are depressed or not!

Shane’s Official Depression Assesment

1. Have you ever been depressed before?
   • Yes, definitely
   • Yes, but I never recognized the symptoms
   • No, but I am probably wrong because I’m depressed
2. Have you ever had a c-section?
   • Yes, and I’m totally depressed now
   • No, and I’m depressed about it
   • Yes, and I’m a man
3. How often does your depression affect your life?
   • Every day, at work and home
   • Most days, at home mostly
   • Hey, you haven’t even determined if I have depression or not, how should I know? Next question, please!
4. How would you rate yourself?
   • Worthless
   • Mostly Worthless
   • Completely worthless
5. Do you have any loved ones who are depressed?
   • No one could possibly love me
   • All of the above
6. Did you know that everyone thinks you are a freak?
   • Yes
   • No

Now scroll down and see your results!

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Congratulations! You’re depressed! Luckily for you, there is treatment available! However, if you’re a male, depression medication will probably render you infertile. Not that anyone would want to bear your child anyway. Good luck!

This is seriously what the assessment told me at the end (the part about becoming infertile). What a great way to top off the good news about your newfound depression! Seriously!

Hope you all enjoyed my quiz!

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