Mad Scientists have all the fun these days. Unlike those of any other profession, mad scientists answer to no one. And everyone answers to them. Doctors answer to their patients’ malpractice lawsuits, their lawyers answer to judges, who answer to constitutional amendments. The Founding Fathers who wrote the constitutional amendments answered to their nagging wives, who answered to King Henry the IX, who answered to Julius Caesar, who answered to Gangus Khan, who answered to mad scientists. And, like I said previously, mad scientists don’t answer to anyone.
Why? Because they’re mad. If you’re a crazy mad scientist everyone chooses not to mess with you. Mad scientists can’t be reasoned with and they can’t be bossed around. And they do what they do regardless of whether they like or dislike doing it. They do what they do because they are mad. Which is awesome.
There are several things that characterize a mad scientist. Not that mad scientists can really be pidgeonholed, because by definition they are atypical. But here are a few common elements:
1. Astronomical IQs: Mad scientists generally have Intelligence Quotients in the upper 180s and 190s, which means they are about 50% smarter than the smartest person you know. This is because the parts of their brains that usually contain sanity are rewired to contain intellect. I want that.
2. Laboratories with naked test animals and screens with amoebas attacking each other: The following screenshots from two separate mad scientist labs in the new series Fringe are a good example:
All mad scientists find this to be absolutely necessary, and I can see why. Who doesn’t want a secret lab and all the gossip it would generate? Can you imagine the neighbors at the annual block party?
Neighbor 1: “I heard Shane Snow has a secret lab in his basement. That’s pretty wild.”
Neighbor 2: “I know! One time I got a glimpse when I was visiting his wife. He has, like, plasma screens with amoebas on them down there.”
Neighbor 1: “Shut up! That’s so fascinating. I wish my husband was that sexy and mysterious…”
Neighbor 3: “Hey ladies! They’re about to start serving corn dogs!”
Neighbors 1 and 2: “ALL RIGHT!”
See what I mean? Mad scientists have the life.
3. The ability to be completely socially unacceptable: Mad scientists are not bound by social rules or etiquette. They can do whatever they want in public and people will understand. “Oh, he’s a mad scientist. He has a license to be bizarre.” Mad scientists tend to dress however they want and have crazy unkempt hair. All of those are things that I want.
In observing mad scientists, I have found the life for me. No more websites, no more clients, no more dealing with receptionists and clerks and grocery clerks or anyone who requires me to be polite or civil towards them. I will no longer look in a mirror, ever, and my hair will steadily grow into a greazy, clumpy, frizzled mess of majesty. Oh, and people will talk.
And I can’t wait to put screens of amoebas up everywhere for no reason.
